Memo to: GreeNDP MLAs.
From: Premier-in-Waiting-Way-Too-Long-Now.
Subject: Solidarity Forever.
Welcome to the Co-operative Allied Coalition Assembly (I know, not the best acronym). We look forward to a profound, game-changing, intimate, soul-enriching relationship – of course, contractually not to exceed four and a half years.
But we’re all in. Both feet. You’re in our hearts and self-interests.
This memo outlines some principles upon which we will collaborate. After all, we said this would be all about “good faith and no surprises.” One of our aides said it might be better to describe it as “no faith and good surprises,” and we are pleased to announce today he is our new envoy to Alberta.
We also said we wanted transit to “get people home quickly.” To be really, really, really clear: we also want people to get to work speedily, because listen here, ladies and gentlemen, this is now Job 1 for all of you. Before we stand together and rule together, we all have to drive together, pedal together and get to the legislature together. Razor-thin majority means safety in numbers, mortality in absence.
How will we rule? Well, a few of you have expressed apprehension concerning reports about the whipping of the caucus for votes and attendance. Let me assure you political newcomers that it is only a figurative term. For the time being.
I do want you to know, though, that until further notice, you may not:
•Fall ill. If through some scientific quirk you do, be assured that any sick MLA is most welcome in the legislature. Bring us your ailment. We are illness-inclusive. Just take your seat, even if you have to put your head on your desk.
•Confuse individuality with independence. More than anything, we want you to be unique representatives of your constituencies as part of a monolithic and robotic voting bloc. Repeat and remember: we are a team, and there is no I in team, and if any of you attempt to put an I in team, there will be no U.
•Attend graduation ceremonies, weddings or funerals. Please ask to get these out of the way by next week or to hold off until late 2021. There is no shame in using the word “belated.”
It is expected that we will come under intense scrutiny by the remaining three or four reporters in the press gallery. There are a few easy tips to deal with difficult questions:
1) Congratulate the reporter for asking a great question. This time-tested technique serves as a flattering distraction, and experience has shown most journalists will focus on savouring the fleeting moment of respect to permit you to cleverly answer an entirely different question.
2) Always respond with the assertion we were elected to run the province and to change the direction. Say it often, say it quickly and experience has shown people believe it.
3) Pivot. Which is to say: turn and run. Experience has shown this is a great strategy, and providing there are no cameras, it’s your word against the reporter’s. Who has the bigger trust issue, at least for now? Case closed.
4) Mention golf. A can’t-miss strategy.
We make a left instead of a right in taking our seats in the legislature. We will save the turn to the right for long-term governing, but that’s another matter for another memo.
In the past we have used the familial terms of “brother” and “sister” to endear ourselves and reflect the shared journey’s camaraderie. This time I’m suggesting the more neutral “fellow temp.”
Finally, it is normal that we will have some rust as we engage the machinery of government and remember our ministries. Not to worry. The other side will be discombobulated, too, so used are they to providing answers instead of questions. They will have to resort to dealing with issues they have lived and breathed and led and managed and mastered for all this time. A walk in the park for us.
Enough of the pep talk. Let’s show Albertans what we’re made of.
Yours in supply and confidence, John.
Kirk LaPointe is Business in Vancouver’s vice-president of audience and business development.
