Last week the provincial government surveyed ticket buyers about how to improve the much-criticized system of online sales. We obtained an early draft of its survey we believe to be authentic.
Dear Gouged Fans:
We, your NDP government, are asking you to take a break from your regular 10 a.m. fits of rage when you cannot buy seats within sight of stages, rinks and fields to answer our survey on ticket sales to live events.
We were elected on the slogan of putting people first. Now, in our defence, we didn’t say we would be putting people first in line for good tickets. Face it: the bots have us clobbered.
But that will not stop our attempts to appease you, so please answer the following questions:
What do you believe a provincial government can do to help the average ticket buyer?
A) Campaign for proportional representation of us in the hall.
B) Use every tool at its disposal to block the pipeline to resellers.
C) At least freeze THESE rates.
In the event we might be able to do something, we have followup questions:
After decades of watching rock shows the size of a postage stamp, how disturbing would it be after all these years to acquire a ticket near the stage for a rock band?
A) As a British Columbian, it frightens me to think of seeing anything I admire.
B) If I get to actually hear the loud music sound the way it was meant to be, forget it.
C) Only if the artist was born after 1965.
And how afraid would you be of a flying puck if you were seated near the ice surface?
A) Only slightly if it were a rock concert.
B) Remind me again: no MSP premium doesn’t mean no health care, right?
C) No worries; my six-year-old would protect me.
What fee should a ticket service be able to charge for the convenience of online sales?
A) What I charge it for the convenience of mining my personal data.
B) It depends on whether I am buying the ticket for a relative who doesn’t know how to use the internet and which important meeting I have ducked out of to do so.
C) $10, minus $5 for every minute it takes for me to pay. I assume you’ll know where to send the cheque.
Would you prefer to line up for a ticket?
A) A lineup? You mean, like for coffee? Are you kidding?
B) Yes, if it meant that principle of fairness appropriately placed me in order and I got the seat I deserved. Ha! Thought I was serious there for a moment, didn’t you?
C) My grandparents used to tell stories about these things called ticket lineups. It sounds so rustic. Count me in.
Who do you blame when you can’t get a seat 30 seconds after tickets go on sale online?
A) Mr. Apple.
B) Ms. Telus.
C) Dr. Dispensary.
Who do you believe gets all the good seats?
A) Stand-in actors to make it seem the event is truly popular.
B) Bots are buying them, so they must be androids.
C) My former best friends.
Given the social importance of friends and family attending memorable sports and music events together, the scarcity of opportunities to see something live in a digital age of technological determinism, the challenge of affordability and value for money in our community, the high toll that taxes already take on our precious incomes, and the cynicism in society about politicians who promise to fix something and then don’t, how much of a priority should the government place on helping salt-of-the-earth British Columbians buy basically acceptable tickets?
A) Please accept my apology for being forced to even think about it.
B) Look, it is nowhere near as important as all of us heartily believe.
C) If it means one minister has to miss even one minute of duty in the legislature to howl and rail across the aisle, then that is one minute too many.
What is the best seat you have ever had?
A) Fourth row, aisle, B-Line, 7:45 a.m. last Tuesday.
B) I was about 22 and working out every day.
C) None. Dude, when you finally have a great seat, you stand in front of everyone! •
Kirk LaPointe is editor-in-chief of Business in Vancouver Media Group and vice-president of Glacier Media.
