Memorandum to: The Mayor’s Office.
From: Vision Vancouver Communications.
Subject: “Alternative facts”
We bring exciting news!
In its first days the Trump administration has found an ingenious way to deal with troubling information. It provides valuable “alternative facts” and every indication suggests they are working!
We are recommending this technique of responding to statements (lies!) at all three public appearances planned for the mayor in 2017 and 2018 when our enemies in the press (or what’s left of them, ha ha!) present uncomfortable information.
Forthwith, please use these alternative facts to replace all index cards used for rehearsing spontaneous public utterances.
For example, when they say: What is your response to a new report that says Vancouver is the third most expensive housing city in the world?
Our response should be: You are lying! We are well down the ranking if you take into consideration the solar system. Even the pre-sales on Mars are killer per square foot.
When asked: How is the city working in conjunction with the provincial and federal governments to build more affordable housing?
We say: We are building a huge wall. And who will pay? They will pay!
When they say: Why are millennials fleeing Vancouver for suburban communities?
We say: Shame on them! But our transit strategy leaves no doubt they will move back if they want to arrive on time to the low-paying jobs we have encouraged.
Their statement: It appears marijuana dispensaries are running amok in the city.
Our response: Day after day, there is no doubt our greenest-city strategy is working. Period.
Them: Why do neighbourhood groups continue to say they are not consulted?
Us: Wrong! With the help of our Russian friends, we know very well what neighbourhoods believe.
Them: From the full stalls and rusting stands, it appears the bike rental program isn’t exactly a hit.
Us: Look! Over there! Spaceship!
Them: Why do information experts give the city a failing grade for transparency?
Us: No city, I mean no city, wins awards like we win for saying we win awards. Period.
Them: While other governments are holding the line on taxes, why are Vancouver property taxes growing this year at a rate double inflation?
Us: Would you feel better if you were in Venezuela, math geek? Then it would be one-20th the rate. Would that make you happier? Loser!
Them: It’s difficult to see how the empty-homes tax is going to contribute to affordable housing.
Us: Wrong! It fulfils our related policy of unaffordable non-housing.
Them: You said in 2008 you would end street homelessness by 2015.
Us: We didn’t specify which 2015. Or which street.
Them: Even though they must have differing views once in a while, somehow your Vision Vancouver councillors have always seemed to vote as a bloc for eight years now.
Us: We met privately on this important public matter and have agreed unanimously to support each other in everything upon which we agree, which so far is everything. Give us a break!
Them: Even though there was an apology late in the last campaign, it is difficult to detect what has really changed.
Us: Wrong! Your hair looks different, and I like the new suit.
Them: People don’t understand your proposed natural gas ban.
Us: On vital issues like these, we stand in solidarity with the people.
Them: There is public concern that your party is too cosy with developer friends.
Us: Wrong again! Many have never been friends.
Them: Following the recent snowfalls, it seems the city cleared bike paths but not adjacent walking paths.
Us: It was the most-watched event. Period.
Kirk LaPointe is Business in Vancouver’s vice-president of audience and business development.
